I stay at home with my baby. Most of my days are filled with hanging out with her. Putting her to rest. Feeding her. Cleaning her. It's a true sacrificial love, one that comes even though she can't say "I love you" back at me, uncontrollable, lay down in front of a train, take bites from bees, venomous bites from vipers, whatever needs to be done to keep her safe kind of love. I fear losing something in this process. How will I look? How will those who once knew me perceive me? Will they think I've forfeited my life and my art to raise her and given up everything to "settle down." I wake up in a sweat, crying with a panic attacking my body, my chest not able to catch air at night. I fear I have lost me. And isn't that what it is all about? My body feels the trauma, the crisis, the lack of safety we endured for a period of time in our life.
Safety. It's an illusion. The ground your feet walk on literally will shake, crack open. Wind can change colors, form and run together for hundreds of miles, devouring what it wants. Cars can spin, flip, and jerk out of place in a split second. And your life is different.
I cannot resist the direction of my life. I look at her and say to myself "You are my artform, you are my greatest creation, and you are entirely a spirit in and of yourself." Creation is God moving through you. We are great transmitters of Gods love and what a beautiful thing to be able to accept our limitations, our fears, and see that if we can get out of our own way, beauty and love can shine through us.
Healing has begun. Again. I learned what healing was for me in California. I see my family and feel the great love they have for me and her and him and know that they deserve to see her. The paradigm is shifting when you, an individual, decide it's going to.
I stay at home with her. And when she sleeps, I create and I study. I have read the Gospels again and have decide that I am tired of the God I have created. A small energy that fits in my box is not God. I have turned to the God of my people, my tribe, and sit with them everyday asking them to teach me. I am learning of The Way, the great Counselor, and the true wit of a great transmitter of God, God in flesh, the sun and Son who came to reconcile our relationship with God since our egos and minds had distanced itself so far from the Truth. I see now how we needed an example. And the great Spirit is here with us now, to council us. Boundaries are no longer limitations I want to rebel from. The spirit in a human form, my flesh is a boundary in and of itself, fire is beautiful but can I dance in it? As is the boundary of the Truth. I am trusting. I am no longer interested in the creations. I am wanting to know the creator. Understanding and becoming conscious of how I am missing the mark, not expressing love and forgiveness is important. "The righteous will live by faith." Belief is the most important thing. Believing that a barren field will reap fruit, believing that I am loved and should be a transmitter of that love for others to feel and understand the Divine Love of this world. The great Peace Child was given. I cannot see Love, I can feel it in fleeting moments, I cannot see heat, I can feel it, I cannot see the atoms that create the world we live in, but I accept that they create you and I. I struggle with wanting to believe there is no dichotomy of right or wrong. That it is all right. I feel though that it is pure patience with believing things are right when they have gone wrong, it is pure faith in God that allows one to live in non duality. There is darkness. There is light. It is the choice to seek the Light, see the light, know there is light even through the darkness.
