Things I've learned as a Mother

Fall has arrived. Leaves have turned colors. Aggression has been in the air. The baby got bit by our dog. There has been a lot of negativity in me and others around me for months now. Fear. A lot of Fear. Not acceptance. Just Fear. Creation of the "other" has begun, kicking "them" out, shocking "them" at the border, protests against "them." Arguments can continue to go into circles. We protest Wall Street. Government controls Wall Street? Lobbyists pay representatives. Circles and circles. Meditation and prayer. A shift of focus to understanding and being grateful for what we do have and where we are. Anger at everyone else or the 1%, the "illegals", the "other" is just a repeat of history. A great book of history is the Bible, whether people want to accept that or not. Read... You'll be shocked as I have been. The documentation of how the Earth began and the first generations. Who knows if there was a tree, a garden, but the point is that there was perfection. We are perfect, made perfect, and that is the shift that we are trying to make again. Realizing that God is in the mundane, the everyday of life, but acknowledging that, giving thanks to that has been forgotten. We have taken responsibility for all of it. Or based on certain television programs, aliens have been given credit. It's crazy that people would rather believe in aliens teaching the Egyptians how to make the pyramid. We have taken shame in the "sin" of humans, allowed the fallen to excuse our behavior perhaps, or just muddle our minds so that we are so distant from our souls and listening to the tv or radio instead that does nothing but spout negativity and fear that we are staying in the negative cycle. Believing that you are beautiful and made as a child of God with the purpose that rolls through you so natural- whether that's being a mother, father, musician, artist, talker, mathematician, etc. just go and do that thing. Say Thank You for where you are. As sweet Annalee once wrote in a song, "There is hope in the Word, There is hope in his name, There is purpose where you are, He brings calm to the rain."

Diving into ancient scripture is important... these people built in a way that is unbelievable to us now in terms of mathematical precision and detail that scientists literally call upon Aliens for credit. They were plugged in to the waves and sounds of God. Reading from the wise Solomon that Queen of Sheba herself came to listen to in Proverbs for instance is remarkable. His words seem simple and I think that's the point. Life doesn't have to be dramatic and difficult. There are basic rules we can follow... and if you fail, pray about that, be aware of it, don't beat yourself up over it. It's not about the rules, but they make things easier. Why are people trying to reinvent the wheel or make up their own rules? A contrived God is a boring God created out of your ego. Get to know the One, the Way, that people have been following and understanding for centuries. Proverbs is like a basic "how to play the game" handbook, while Ecclesiastes is a great reflection of how we all feel. If you read it, you'll see someone speaking to God saying "What is the point of all this?"- he had it all, riches, land, women, etc. and yet was never satisfied. He kept himself busy, and still no satisfaction. So what does Solomon say? Have a good time, drink some, eat well, be merry, enjoy your life while you are in it. I never would have thought I'd find that kind of stuff in the Bible- I thought it pretty much was boring rules. No joke. But as I read, the more inpsired I am and understanding of a God that is HUGE, NICE, UNderstanding, and now as a mother, I believe I understand him even more. You never really know. That's the thing about it. But I've seen God move in my life. And as I read these ancient books I think to myself "I sound just like this whiny dude" aka Job, except I've never "been without blame" as he was I guess. And he had all these friends pretty much saying, "Well you know what your problem is..." and he's all "You don't know what you're talking about..." and he goes straight to the top- whining to God, and I love the response... "Did you create all this? Did you give the cheetah his spots? (not sure if you'll find that)" but then he goes on about what I can only assume are dinosaurs... because they sound HUGE and crazy and God really seems to be excited about having made them. I mean, take away the prestige or the "holiness" of the Bible... and I think everyone in this world would appreciate what they read. I know there are controversial topics like gay people and you know I don't know the answer. But what I do know is that friends tell me they've been like this from the womb. I can only believe them and hope that they have a relationship with God. I don't know. Do I really care? Not really... about who they want to kiss. Because at one point in my life I could have been considered a harlot. Do you really care? Point was, my lifestyle was killing me and I could feel that. So if you can feel that disconnect from your soul and you don't feel alive.. God helped me figure that out. And I'm tired of acting like I'm something I'm not... which is perfect (on my own). God makes me perfect. God is in you. God is in me. We need to bow and acknowledge that. And realize that in history he has taken the smallest person, the dirtiest person, the outcast, the harlot, etc. and has made them perfect and used them to change the world.

We can use a certain vocabulary and try our hardest to smile and be happy with our own efforts. But sometimes, that doesn't work. It hasn't worked for me. All I can do is keep putting everything down at his feet and say "I'm sorry, I was trying to do this myself." Faith is a gift from God. It's cool to get to know the mystery energy that is so big and that so many people have known and haven't known...

Memories

The flight to San Francisco, I saw the guy I sat next to so many times after that flight, Robin, he gave me great advice on places to go, was bursting with things to say, and reminded me that every corner you turn in that city leads to a beautiful view or is one. The grumpy old Scottist roommate who would sit with me for hours, drinking wine, singing old songs, Believing that Here Comes the Sun was truly my anthem for that moment, smoking inside, talking about underwear. Chinatown, expensive bicycles from Citizen Chain, cafes for hours, small talks with randoms, sharks in the middle of the sidewalk on a block of ice, crying and breakups, rides through nature that will forever be in my nostrils, my senses, trees bigger than homes, dirt, drug addicts, homelessness, quitting a job on a whim, and running into a pal the day i had to get my office stuff home somehow, sweet Chrissy Fields with views and beaches, Sausalito and red convertible breakfast mornings...
people love it there because you live the dream.
it is all happening.
you don't have to vacation.
I can't possibly write down two years of my life in one journal posting but I needed to remember just for a minute.

Magic

There are some days that one will wake up and be bursting with energy. I have those days on a regular basis it seems. Small amounts of new energy take over, like a gift and suddenly I need to run, I need to write, I need to read, I just need... that something. The reality of life can be hard sometimes. Bills have to always gets paid. Location isn't always inspiring and 'cool' to outsiders and so there you are, just you and yourself, being where you are and getting through the days. Then the burst of energy comes into your life, like a gift you've been asking for. God shows up in all of us like this. Worship of light, love, positive, beauty is such a great moment in life. A man stretches his arms out an aisle in front of you and you wish you could do the same, shameless worship of that great beauty just so you can say, "Yes, thank you, thank you, for everything good in this world and thank you thank you for everything bad that you will be set right one day." The concept of an eternal soul is mindblowing. The bad can keep happening but this hope that unexplained out of now where crazy thing called a soul, conscious, will continue through eternity is what I cling to when the going gets tough, and not just for me but for those starving babies who need love, food, shelter. Just knowing that there is refuge in the infinite allows me to sleep at night. And that's how we all start. The amazing gift of parenthood so far in my life is that I now see everyone as the babies and children they once were. The murderer, the idolatar, the adulterer, the lover, etc. was once a baby. Those are babies still just in adult form and need to be nurtured, loved, heard. I can only piece together a few things at a time right now. I have this instinct that is telling me that this is not where my daughter will grow up nor where I wish her to grow up. I wish the magnolias, the grandparents, the family, the love was enough, but it's just not. Every generation hopes the next will advance and so what comes of it if you end up the same? Nothing is wrong with the one before, but advancement in some form is essential.

Memories can flood a brain squeezing out reality. I still think of you. I still think of a different path. This is normal. I want so badly to be present, in the now, loving and accepting all that God has given me, because it is truly from it. I have no doubt. I wake with a huge burst and need to scream about what direction we go are going in and then... there she is. A beautiful deer staring up at me. Like Yorke, Orman, others that have walked into my life just randomely one day, allowing me to feel the magic and understand that there is a great direction and that I am on that path. It happened recently in the form of a deer that no one else saw but me and Lena. She stood in our backyard and stared at me for a minute and then ran off. And then, Derek caught a huge fish in the backyard and it's enough to tell me... You are there, you always are, your delay is not your denial and you hear me, us. and you're telling me... keep on. You've got this. I am here.
Magic.

A new horizon, the event horizon, eternal light....

I stay at home with my baby. Most of my days are filled with hanging out with her. Putting her to rest. Feeding her. Cleaning her. It's a true sacrificial love, one that comes even though she can't say "I love you" back at me, uncontrollable, lay down in front of a train, take bites from bees, venomous bites from vipers, whatever needs to be done to keep her safe kind of love. I fear losing something in this process. How will I look? How will those who once knew me perceive me? Will they think I've forfeited my life and my art to raise her and given up everything to "settle down." I wake up in a sweat, crying with a panic attacking my body, my chest not able to catch air at night. I fear I have lost me. And isn't that what it is all about? My body feels the trauma, the crisis, the lack of safety we endured for a period of time in our life.
Safety. It's an illusion. The ground your feet walk on literally will shake, crack open. Wind can change colors, form and run together for hundreds of miles, devouring what it wants. Cars can spin, flip, and jerk out of place in a split second. And your life is different.
I cannot resist the direction of my life. I look at her and say to myself "You are my artform, you are my greatest creation, and you are entirely a spirit in and of yourself." Creation is God moving through you. We are great transmitters of Gods love and what a beautiful thing to be able to accept our limitations, our fears, and see that if we can get out of our own way, beauty and love can shine through us.
Healing has begun. Again. I learned what healing was for me in California. I see my family and feel the great love they have for me and her and him and know that they deserve to see her. The paradigm is shifting when you, an individual, decide it's going to.
I stay at home with her. And when she sleeps, I create and I study. I have read the Gospels again and have decide that I am tired of the God I have created. A small energy that fits in my box is not God. I have turned to the God of my people, my tribe, and sit with them everyday asking them to teach me. I am learning of The Way, the great Counselor, and the true wit of a great transmitter of God, God in flesh, the sun and Son who came to reconcile our relationship with God since our egos and minds had distanced itself so far from the Truth. I see now how we needed an example. And the great Spirit is here with us now, to council us. Boundaries are no longer limitations I want to rebel from. The spirit in a human form, my flesh is a boundary in and of itself, fire is beautiful but can I dance in it? As is the boundary of the Truth. I am trusting. I am no longer interested in the creations. I am wanting to know the creator. Understanding and becoming conscious of how I am missing the mark, not expressing love and forgiveness is important. "The righteous will live by faith." Belief is the most important thing. Believing that a barren field will reap fruit, believing that I am loved and should be a transmitter of that love for others to feel and understand the Divine Love of this world. The great Peace Child was given. I cannot see Love, I can feel it in fleeting moments, I cannot see heat, I can feel it, I cannot see the atoms that create the world we live in, but I accept that they create you and I. I struggle with wanting to believe there is no dichotomy of right or wrong. That it is all right. I feel though that it is pure patience with believing things are right when they have gone wrong, it is pure faith in God that allows one to live in non duality. There is darkness. There is light. It is the choice to seek the Light, see the light, know there is light even through the darkness.

Anxiety...

To have courage for whatever comes in life – everything lies in that.
– Saint Teresa of Avila

For the majority of us, uncertainty is worse than disaster, because disaster comes to us only rarely; worry depletes us often. We never know whether we are going to get a brick or a bouquet. If we knew for certain a brick was on its way, there would be no anxiety. We would just say, “Throw it and be done with it.”

We can learn how to handle both bricks and bouquets, praise and censure, success and defeat. When we can say, “Whatever comes, we will not be afraid because the divine Self is within us,” then this resoluteness and faith will enable us to work free from tension, agitation, and fear of defeat. The person who works in this way is at peace, because he or she is not anxious about results.

East meet West, West meet East

Driving cross country with a five week old awesome baby is actually easier than it seems. You just put the babe in your lap when diaper changing time comes, breast feed while the car is still in motion, drive through extremely snowy passes in Colorado, white outs in New Mexico, through torrential rain and lighting in big sky Texas, stay in middle of no where motels in Nevada along lonely highway 50, until you cross into lush green Georgia where everything is placed about a mile apart from each other. Southeners really enjoy and need their space. That's why everyone is so flippin friendly to one another. They aren't placed on top of one another, they've got space, sometimes even a whole lake's worth of space, which allows for more smiles, touching, and just pleasant gestures. I thought out west perhaps I was special what with all my smiling and touching of peoples arms when I spoke to them or calling them sweetie or lovely, but of course upon my return home even the gas station attendant was sweet, greeted me at the door, and had a huge smile on her face and I thought to myself ,"If I have a charismatic bone in my body, it's only because I'm Southern."
I've dreamt of San Fran just about every night since we left. I've been walking along the streets n high heels, hopping from one bus to another, giving people directions, and sitting in tattoo parlors. I've been running around looking at art and going into people's tiny apartments raving about the size of the place and how big it is for a city. I've been doing all sorts of things in my dreams.
In real life, I am experiencing the purest form of BitterSweet I can imagine. I look at my little family in the mornings with Piglet resting in the crook of her daddy's arm and know to soak up those mornings because they won't last forever. I meditate while looking out at a beautiful lake. I have the privilege of staying in the coziest home with family all around to hold baby. I miss my friends and i miss cafe gratitude to an extreme, but I also know this is how it's all supposed to be. Besides, you can take the girl out of San Francisco but you can't take the San Francisco out of the girl.

Meditation for the day.

The control of the palate is a valuable aid for the control of the mind. – Mahatma Gandhi

excerpt-
I first became interested in improving my diet under the influence of Mahatma Gandhi, who used to include articles on diet and health in his weekly newspaper along with all the latest political news. I had been brought up on traditional South Indian cuisine. I had enjoyed it all thoroughly, but I had never asked what the purpose of food is. At Gandhi’s prompting, I started asking this kind of question and concluded to my great surprise that food is meant to nourish the body.
I started changing. I began to eat foods that wouldn’t have appealed to me in earlier days. Now asparagus tastes better than chocolate torte.
The palate is the ideal starting point for getting some mastery over your senses. You have three, four, maybe more opportunities a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and any number of between-meal snacks. No need to talk of fasting or strange diets. Just resolve to move away from foods that don’t benefit your health and begin choosing foods that do.


We don´t need a better man, we need a new man. Betterment has gone on for centuries and nothing has happened. Now we don´t need any better man — enough is enough! Now we want a totally new man, discontinuous with the past.
We want to begin again as if we are Adam and Eve,
just now expelled from the Garden of Eden.
-Osho

A great lunch with Meg today.
- You are not your thoughts, you are not your mind. You are a spirit in human form having an experience.
- Your mind has a mind of its own.
- Enlightenment is realizing that you were enlightened the entire time.
- There are no others.
- Shiftng from one phase to another... abandonement. trust. control.
- Body, Mind, Soul
body- it is your vehicle through this planet, your temple, it houses your spirit
mind-
soul/spirit- it is that divine energy, God

I am not my body. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am not my personality. I am not my things. I am not achievements. I am not my mistakes. I am a spirit having a human experience. thanks meg