Magic

There are some days that one will wake up and be bursting with energy. I have those days on a regular basis it seems. Small amounts of new energy take over, like a gift and suddenly I need to run, I need to write, I need to read, I just need... that something. The reality of life can be hard sometimes. Bills have to always gets paid. Location isn't always inspiring and 'cool' to outsiders and so there you are, just you and yourself, being where you are and getting through the days. Then the burst of energy comes into your life, like a gift you've been asking for. God shows up in all of us like this. Worship of light, love, positive, beauty is such a great moment in life. A man stretches his arms out an aisle in front of you and you wish you could do the same, shameless worship of that great beauty just so you can say, "Yes, thank you, thank you, for everything good in this world and thank you thank you for everything bad that you will be set right one day." The concept of an eternal soul is mindblowing. The bad can keep happening but this hope that unexplained out of now where crazy thing called a soul, conscious, will continue through eternity is what I cling to when the going gets tough, and not just for me but for those starving babies who need love, food, shelter. Just knowing that there is refuge in the infinite allows me to sleep at night. And that's how we all start. The amazing gift of parenthood so far in my life is that I now see everyone as the babies and children they once were. The murderer, the idolatar, the adulterer, the lover, etc. was once a baby. Those are babies still just in adult form and need to be nurtured, loved, heard. I can only piece together a few things at a time right now. I have this instinct that is telling me that this is not where my daughter will grow up nor where I wish her to grow up. I wish the magnolias, the grandparents, the family, the love was enough, but it's just not. Every generation hopes the next will advance and so what comes of it if you end up the same? Nothing is wrong with the one before, but advancement in some form is essential.

Memories can flood a brain squeezing out reality. I still think of you. I still think of a different path. This is normal. I want so badly to be present, in the now, loving and accepting all that God has given me, because it is truly from it. I have no doubt. I wake with a huge burst and need to scream about what direction we go are going in and then... there she is. A beautiful deer staring up at me. Like Yorke, Orman, others that have walked into my life just randomely one day, allowing me to feel the magic and understand that there is a great direction and that I am on that path. It happened recently in the form of a deer that no one else saw but me and Lena. She stood in our backyard and stared at me for a minute and then ran off. And then, Derek caught a huge fish in the backyard and it's enough to tell me... You are there, you always are, your delay is not your denial and you hear me, us. and you're telling me... keep on. You've got this. I am here.
Magic.