oh art...

Even art, as I mentioned before, hyper-realist art is fractal... look at what I literally just stumbled upon in the infamous Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. My life feels like a Unified Field Theory that just explodes in my face every day...

"Then each detail of each wrinkle becomes a further whole, made up of even-smaller parts, and so on, going deeper and deeper into ever expanding complexity. There is some simliartiy I believe to the phenomenom of fractals, in which whole patterns are constructed of smaller detailed whole patterms, which are consturcted of even smaller, detailed whole patterns."

Relatively, relativity, retarded, reactionary, redundant

I cried for the first time in a long time yesterday, finally feeling the effects of my decisions, leaving this city... but I woke up and realized that I can be me anywhere, and that I just need to be disciplined in my efforts. I've come so far and I can't stop now. I can be the artist I want to be and honestly the lifestyle of San Francisco means that I have to drink the coolaid, pay out the butt for the life, and not have any left over for the art... because honestly, it ain't a cheap thing. So through my tumultion yesterday and overall feeling of defeat? isolation? unworthiness? Yeah, these are all things that wheatgrass, granola, enzymes, etc. couldn't just fix (I mean, we all have our days). But I went to the mat, to the heavens, to the stars, to the amino acids and receptors that were causing pain, and ultimately to the canvas where I found solitude. I did an hour of mat time and then about an hour of painting, and had a break through... one that I hope to follow through on and create an entire body of work. I worry it'll be boring to others, because what is an art piece with no audience? But, I can't think about that now. I'm going to make it. A great lesson I've learned recently is that I'm not going to ask what anyone thinks about my work anymore- not that I've heard bad things over and over, most of the time my friends have been very supportive, but everynow and then I've gotten something that sticks to my ribs. It's just healthier for all artists not to, until it's properly presented. 1.) A negative opinion sort of needs to be held off on for awhile until the body of work it out 2.) It'll never be the reaction I'd like to hear so let's save us the ackwardness 3.) It's a direct reflection of me and my brain at that moment, so I'll take it personally no matter what- this isn't commercial art, and I don't have to disconnect myself from it, in fact if I do, it ceases to be mine. 4.) I have to fight with my own demons everyday that whisper in my ear that I'm crazy bad and that there's no point in me trying to create- including a comment by someone who once said "You have to be really good to make it"- well Basquiat good and Thomas Kincaid good are very different- I'm not trying to depict your face to make it look like your face, we've got cameras to do that, hyper realism is for the birds I've decided, and the photographers. I can do the traditional art making, and even when paid to do it, I drag my feet because it is absolutely boring to me. But humans love it- they love looking at something and marveling at how the artist rendered something that looks soooooo real... well that thing is real, and that artist in fact is skilled, but that brain just stopped seeing a bowl of fruit, and instead exacccctly what was there- mastering color and line. Perfection... I'm not interested in that. My brain could go there, but I don't want it to. It gives me a headache.

So when I do go it feels like I've tamed the devil, I've had a therapy session, the "Delusional" life I lead is perfectly okay, and that I'm accepted... by me. I'm shaping my vortex to include millions of dollars, because I can't help the poor if I'm poor too, a beautiful long lasting relationship with someone who won't leave because I'm neurotic, big trees, cabin, music, food, fun kids, flowers, lots of learning, maybe even a car! All you really do need is love. And lots and lots of laughter.

You should have everything you want... you deserve joy, love, happiness, peace. Gratitude.

Depression? Not a problem...Acne? Solved...

A huge lesson I have learned is that I am a direct reflection of what I put into my body. It's no wonder that I've struggled with sadness, mood swings, lack of energy, etc. for years. The reality of life is that I don't know anyone really who hasn't struggled with any of this. But just as organic chemistry shows, with what we are made up of, and what quantum physics explains on a subatomic level, we are merely radiating... literally radiating perhaps even what we eat. You have to be taught how to live like this, because honestly, candies, breads, cookies, chocolate, fast food, it all just tastes so good... and just like nicotine, it's because there are addictive patterns involved. Like today, I found myself thinking too long about a subject, found myself beginning to get upset, cry, and then suddenly I was hungry and ready to get up and go grab some food. Hmmm... and so the pattern goes. Yoga- the flexibility of the body is a direct reflection of the flexibility of the mind (not always of course, some people are flexible but not that great of people, but you get what I'm saying). So to solve my depression, codependency, etc. Eating... doing what i love the most. Only this time, eating what makes me happy. I see that croissant and I want it, but it doesn't serve me. It only makes me sad... and ultimately will make me fatter as well (carbohydrates have a tendency to inflame the cells causing puffiness, or you don't burn them off through out your day and you lack the proper digestive enzymes to get rid of them so your body will pack them in and ultimately you'll see weight gain in the thighs, butt or abdomen). A great remedy for this is chamomile... it's an antiinflammatory, which is why it's also great if you're having a major break out. Nature has provided EVERYTHING you need to move beyond your struggles. It's just a matter of educating yourself. Understanding what's happening on a molecular level will help you understand yourself... afterall, your hormones are chemical reactions that can only be triggered by enzymes... so imagine, when alzheimers hits a dear loved one, as we all watched my grandfather struggle, studies have proven that a lack of dopamine (hormone) leads to alzheimers, so in the words of Wiki:

There are many different ways to classify neurotransmitters. Dividing them into amino acids, peptides, and monoamines is sufficient for some purposes.

Major neurotransmitters:

• Amino acids: glutamate, aspartate, serine, γ-aminobutyric acid (GABA), glycine
• Monoamines: dopamine (DA), norepinephrine (noradrenaline; NE, NA), epinephrine (adrenaline), histamine, serotonin (SE, 5-HT), melatonin
• Others: acetylcholine (ACh), adenosine, anandamide, nitric oxide, etc.

An afterthought... my mood though has very much inspired my work, so maybe I am just a little crazy and maybe that's okay? ...

Organic Chemistry

So I'm trying to wrap my brain around tetrahedrons, as Nassim keeps referring to them, and it's within organic chemistry, the study of living life thanks to Carbon- and hydrogen, that I am piecing together what's going on with his unified theory. Carbon (C) appears in the second row of the periodic table and has four bonding electrons in its valence shell (see Periodic Table module for more information). Similar to other non-metals, carbon needs eight electrons to satisfy its valence shell. Carbon therefore forms four bonds with other atoms (each bond consisting of one of carbon's electrons and one of the bonding atom's electrons). Valence electrons determine the chemical properties of an atom and are the only electrons that participate in chemical bonding, thus a carbon atom's bonds will be distributed evenly over the atom's surface. These bonds form a tetrahedron (a pyramid with a spike at the top), as illustrated below:

We create our own gravitational fields when gravity and space-time moves toward singularity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2cmlhfdxuY

Unified Field Theory

... has turned into what feels ultimately like the drawn out poem that seems as simple as one mending A red wagon into the Bhagavad Gita. Imagine someone explaining to you in extremely elementary terms how the universe is expanding and contrasting at the same time. It is a logical assumption with what we know of quantum physics today... even as simple as understanding that you are here, within your state, within your country, on this planet, in this galaxy, within this universe, etc. and there are ppppppppplenty of other galaxies that can do the same from what Hubble can show us so far, but then to honestly turn everything inward, to look at your body, at your hand, into your cells, and then what makes up those cells, into atoms... and into infinity, because what makes up 99.99999999% of an atom is space. We have been obsessed with what's happening outwardly, or so the physicist who created Unified Field Theory, Hassim Haramein explains man has been obsessed with expansion since fire came around because since then we have been focused on figuring out the expansion of energy, but what about looking inward? If the majority of what an atom is is space, and with Einstein's field equations, and the theory of space time bending inward, it is something to understand that you can have infinite possibility within a finite space- which is ultimately how he is explaining dimensions. If you and I and a Redwood are all made up of the same thing, then what keeps us from bleeding into one another... and it's the reality of our expansion or radiating which is what we see. There is a feedback loop between the radiated side and the contraction side. Einstein said gravity is the result of Space Time curving. And when space time curves, this theory is saying it curls... which generates spin... which is the source of the spin of all things. So infinity within a finite structure is explained through geometry... fractals.... tetrahedrons... the infinite division within a sphere... which is what we all see--- the expansion... for example the solar system... the circular orbits, the shape of planets, a circular halo that encompasses galaxies, etc. Director of Research Nassim Haramein and scientists at the Resonance Project Foundation have found a new solution to Einstein’s field equations which incorporates torque and Coriolis effects. I would just suggest watching his youtube videos. Maybe its the interdisciplinary college I went to, but I think I got an excellent education due to liberal arts and appreciate a physicist unifying what should be unified in our education system already... these are a few examples of fractals found within nature. (note these are not genetically modified) It's no wonder that fractals are found so much in leafy greens, when in terms of nutrition, they help regenerate cell growth, carry a multitude of enzymes and vitamins you need... There's something to it...

Can I have the You Are Beautiful with a side of avocado?

A glorious weekend of Baker Beach, friends, dancing, and vegan restaurants. Interestingly enough I am delusional enough to work at a place like Cafe Gratitude with its sacred commerce philosophy and over abundance of happy thoughts. I sat down to replenish after a long weekend and ended up talking to the manager who then asked me to turn in an application with them. How perfect... and so now there are options. I could be possibly offered a temp position with a publishing house, my interview is in less than an hour, and/or I can be working at this cafe... I'm up for all of it and certainly hope that it all works out instead of nothing working out. I wrote a mega biography to the cafe because their application asks a lot of questions and I wanted them to get to know me as much as possible, and it seemed like anything that could've gone wrong did in terms of me trying to get that dang application to them. And in the end when I showed up this morning with it, I found out that there's a five page legal doc that I forgot to attach with it and I'm still looking for it on their website with no luck. Weird... I have had way too much espresso today, and I almost feel tired from all of it. This week I have major goals in mind before I move out on Sunday, which I am majorly sad about. It's okay... I'll just keep saying "yes" to myself. much love.

Twitter

Well this morning I didn't think I would be doing anything today... and like I said before, one phone call later, I'm working at Twitter for the day. Maybe this is the country girl in me that's super excited, but damn... it's crazy, and crazy embarrassing because maybe my excitement is getting the best of me or all this veggie tofu crap I eat because now I have the worst gas ever. I don't want to be remembered as the temp girl who smelt sort of funky. But a really cool company at that. and the founder just walked by me....... I'm going to try and catch him before he goes into the bathroom. Ok, I'd say that goes well... I said "Hi" while he was looking at his phone and then he looked at me clueless as to why I was at the front desk and not the normal receptionist... so with a big smile I said "I'm Katie, I'm temping today"... as much southern smiling and niceness I can pull off because I mean hell... ya never know right? It's a rad place too with tons of drinks and beers in fridges with a huge buffet of good food and chill people with bicycle racks scattered all over the office. And there's only 170 people who work at this place, which for a site as big as Twitter, I'm surprised. I get it... I like these little startup web companies, they've got the "enjoy your work, because you'll work harder if you do" kind of philosophy. Right on...

Never ceases to amaze me...

I literally have a friend who is filming a movie in my apartment as I type, laid out on my roof because it seems that this chilly city has turned summer the last few days and I may or may not have a real job starting next week, so I figured a little sunkiss would be not only healthy but a necessity on a day like today. And in my daily routine of coffee, contemplation of what to do to be productive today routine, and all while checking Facebook, noticed a picture of a hilarious scene, non staged by the photographer, found outside his San Fran home this morning- talk about a party animal. Once you move past the homeless, urine drenched sidewalks, and creepy old men that lurk around every corner of this city, you will begin to really fall in love and find humor in just about everything that happens here. That amazing temp agency called me this morning because I need to run down to Folsom Street at 2pm to do reception work... for Twitter. I also have an interview with a great publishing house on Monday that is just a few blocks from me that publishes all of the graphic "How to do..." books and Williams-Sonoma cookbooks. Really, unemployment and a big city actually go hand in hand. I have nothing to do with any of this, honestly, and I started writing only because every day there is hilarious stuff happening that I just feel the need to write about, because otherwise I'll forget that I ran into Halle Barry and her gorgeous boyfriend a few weekends ago at the Farmers Market at the Ferry Building whilest enjoying an amazing local Bluegrass Band and dreaming of the Appalachians. Which, a tiny bit of advice, don't eat breakfast on Saturday mornings, just head to your local farmers market and grab samples from everyone... I could write a blog alone about all how to get by on nothing in this city. Oh but wait, someone already has... www.brokeassstuart.com, which cracks me up everyday as well. I even wrote in for it one day when I found out the local Massage school is doing 50 min. massages for $20.00.because goodness know my life is sooooo stressfull with all this tanning and beach running that a girl needs a massage. ha... and this weekend has plans of Baker Beach, Dolores Park, Camping with Redwoods perhaps, and all of it has to happen before I have to move to East bay for a little bit. *Tear* But that's okay, it'll be amazing to have dog partners to run with, a garden to help in, and people to cook my veggie hippie salad stuff for.

In all honesty, the biggest lesson of all of this has been to calm down, open up your eyes, and really enjoy where you are, because in the words of The Beatles, "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be." you know the rest...

Yoga, Coffee, Blue skies and Blue bicyles

That's pretty much what my days consist of right now. Yoga, Coffee, Blue Skies and Bikes. I'm not complaining in the slightest. As I walked up and down North Beach this morning, I stopped to "smell the roses" and say Thank You to the Divine for where I am. Unemployment in a big city is quite easy. I've had so many free events to go to that I really can't go to all of them, and whether it's a lady who leaves her drink for me at the bar, or a cold meal that's brought out to me and the chef is so apologetic that he comps my meal before I can say that's not necessary, it really just goes to show that the majority of people are good and want to help. I honestly have been overwhelmed with the amount of support and love I have received even from total strangers who are wanting to extend a helpful hand as I've embarked on this journey. Leaving corporate America to figure out what I really want to do has been by far the best decision I have ever made. Funny enough, I was more scared to tell my mother that I had quit my job admidst the country's biggest economic crisis more than I was worried about paying my rent. Money makes itself up. It always does. You hussle and it works out. Temp work has been amazing and I'm plugging Premier Staffing right now because they have truly been a lifesaver for me on those weeks where I'm looking ahead going, "Now what am I supposed to do this week?"
Those mountains of North Georgia, Colorado, and California all speak the same language. The birds are taken care of and flowers are more beautiful than ever without ever worrying an ounce about calorie intake. And so, this is why I practice yoga. I have to or else my mind wonders down a path of negative, secular world thought of "no no no." Interestingly enough "No" is one of the first words that we as little people used to love to say. Inherently your brain goes to "No." But, I have found much comfort in "Yes" these days and not even to answer a question, but just to meditate on. Go ahead... try it... sit in a comfortable place, close your eyes, and just say, "Yes" to yourself and really you'll feel so relaxed. It's as if there's a faucet in my chest that turns on and water comes flowing out of my center throughout my entire body when I say Yes to myself. I say Yes to my thighs. I say Yes to my bank account. I say Yes to my zits. We forget divinity lies within each of us and we beat ourselves up everyday. It's exhausting. And thanks to little opportunities of positive action within ourselves and people, we can be brought back to this state of relaxation where your mind can be at peace and enjoy what's happening at that very moment. That is what yoga is... being present... bringing union to the mind and body, to the spirit and breath, to the yin and yang.
Speaking of the beautiful synchronicity of life...
Just the other day I got a phone call about signing up for Healthy San Francisco. Not an insurance plan, but an opportunity for those of us who live in the city to have some coverage for basic doctor, emergency room, surgery, etc. needs. Of course, I qualified and with no quarterly payment (not that it's a lot) thanks to my lack of a paycheck, and now if I happen to get hit on the beautiful Bianci that takes me around this city while I kick cars to let them know I'm there and literally find the streets themselves as deadly as drivers, I can rest safe to know that if my arm is twisted around my back in a non yoga position in the middle of the road I'll have somewhere to go that won't put me and my family into bankruptcy because the bill is so high.

And she's the most beautiful bike in the entire world, having taken me from the beauty of Chrissy Fields and Golden Gate Bridge into the depth of the city. Riding a bike is like being a kid all over again, only instead of racing to your friends house to watch a movie you're racing around a huge city, having to stay centered while a bus rears up behind you or a car honks its horn to startle you. The hills have killed me but my body has become accustomed to the suffocation that is a result of fighting gravity on multiple levels.
This is a city that was built on mountains... these are not hills.

Back to insurance, sorry family, but when you're uninsured these kinds of options are phenomenal. A public option or opening up Medicare is really in the best interest of those who are uninsured, and yes, perhaps we have chosen a different lifestyle, but I pay into medicare- so shouldn't I have the opportunity to use it if I need to? Many people do take it upon themselves to focus on preventative healthcare and yet there are no subsidies for my vitamins, exercise, organic vegetables, etc. Hell I can't even insure my bicycle which is the only thing I truly own that's worth anything. I haven't had my teeth cleaned in two years. I haven't worn the proper glasses in two years. And luckily I haven't been sick in a long time to have to go to a doctor, but if and when I do, it feels good to know someone out there doesn't feel that health coverage and employment have to be linked. Call me liberal, call me California, either way- I'm happy to have the safety net. Honestly, six months of almost being hit by cars or crashing due to the fact that buses are unreliable and I can't afford a car which leaves me with my own two feet and my bike, it can shake you up if you're uninsured.

Happy St. Patricks Day... what is this holiday even about?

Peering down from the tranquil yoga studio that I find myself inhabiting religiously, I notice that the streets literally cracked open and threw up tons of little green boogers that were and still are hollering at one another. Oh that's right, it's Saint Patrick's Day and I totally forgot to wear green. My tye dye tank top and underarmour leggings fit the role I chose to play today instead of the creepy leprechaun that apparently we should all be emulating. Hasn't everyone seen Drop Dead Fred?
A four leaf clover is certainly a positive symbol to see more of on a beautiful, big blue day like today, but I don't believe in luck so this holiday overall doesn't seem to fit me too well. That and the fact that any Irish man I've met in this city has been adorable, but always has a sort of drinking problem. Perhaps its the gloomy days of Ireland, or the remnants of contaminated water from back in the day when Guinness really was everyone's saving grace, but nonetheless I'm Protestant and living in North Beach with the Irish and Italian Catholics so perhaps I'll really understand. It's a wonderful experience to say the least. I've never known a true Catholic, but I've always been humbled by the adorable nuns that walked the hills of Italy and occasionally of Little Italy as well. The streets are covered in these boogers, like I said, and my arm's been twisted to go meet a friend at Vesuvios, the infamous bar of Ginsberg and Kerouac, nestled right next to City Lights Bookstore where I once saw a huge man with dreads play an instrument from Laos and who wrote a very enlightening book titled "We Are Not Gadgets." It only feels appropriate to join in some sort of festivity, even if that festivity is simply praising the beer that I love and do think is quite remarkable- Guinness. It's the thick froth that is a reminder of a flat cappuccino, full body that continues to gracefully dance like a woman's hips to blues, and satisfaction that sits in your belly for at least fifteen minutes after you finish until you decide to order another one that I'm celebrating tonight.

Allow me to introduce myself...

San Francisco is like a glass of full bodied red wine, aged but not necessarily to perfection. With a slight hint of bitter aftertaste, it can knock you off your high horse as quickly as it can make you drunkenly walk its docks with rose colored glasses that always accompany rosy cheeks from both cheap wine and a crisp bay breeze. It is the reflection in the glass of rolling hills covered with millions of people nestled in their comfy flats, bridges that put you in awe of man, or rocky beaches that allow a slight vinegar in your wine acceptable. I moved here with no goal in mind but to become alive. The struggle of growing up in a small town in North Georgia has not been not knowing who I was, but more so what do I do? San Francisco is a facilitator for a lifestyle that many of us want to live but cannot seem to make possible in other cities. It's not a golden key that unlocks doors or an Emerald City where your dreams come true. The doors are so heavy, you may not be able to get to it before it's closed on you in this city. The great thing though is that there are so many windows that are cracked open just enough for you to slip one foot in, take a look around, maybe even creep up to the roof to soak in yet another amazing view, and then decide for yourself if you'd like to sit still or if you'd like to take your chances on another window. My cozy hood of the infamous Godfather'esque North beach is an interesting fit for me, but I'll be taking a slight vacation from this city to catch my breath and catch up on money soon. Nostalgia is the motivation for my writing. I have experienced so much in just one year that I realized today it's a shame to not write it all down. And so I begin. The journey of a country mouse in a big bad city where you have two choices: drink the bitter wine or pass. I decided to drink. I ran up and down stairs to Coit Tower this morning where the first telegraph was sent from, walked up and down Chestnut Street where the infamous Bullet car scene was shot, up over the hill where the bay once babysat prisoners, past a lemon tree thats fruit hang over the fence next to the Italian villa of San Francisco Art Institute where Diego Rivera painted a mural, down again Union Street where I picked lavender from a neighbor's front door, past Cafe Trieste where poets and writers from Kerouac to Coppola pumped out creations as quickly as baristas pack espresso, where Italian men scream "Ciao Bella" to every pretty face that passes, onto my alley way where the Saloon screams of deep blues on the weekends and the slight stinch of urine always lingers. Your legs will be tired, your feet will feel broken those first few days, but you'll take a deep sigh of relief when you reach your front door and know that there's no option but to just be here now.