I cried for the first time in a long time yesterday, finally feeling the effects of my decisions, leaving this city... but I woke up and realized that I can be me anywhere, and that I just need to be disciplined in my efforts. I've come so far and I can't stop now. I can be the artist I want to be and honestly the lifestyle of San Francisco means that I have to drink the coolaid, pay out the butt for the life, and not have any left over for the art... because honestly, it ain't a cheap thing. So through my tumultion yesterday and overall feeling of defeat? isolation? unworthiness? Yeah, these are all things that wheatgrass, granola, enzymes, etc. couldn't just fix (I mean, we all have our days). But I went to the mat, to the heavens, to the stars, to the amino acids and receptors that were causing pain, and ultimately to the canvas where I found solitude. I did an hour of mat time and then about an hour of painting, and had a break through... one that I hope to follow through on and create an entire body of work. I worry it'll be boring to others, because what is an art piece with no audience? But, I can't think about that now. I'm going to make it. A great lesson I've learned recently is that I'm not going to ask what anyone thinks about my work anymore- not that I've heard bad things over and over, most of the time my friends have been very supportive, but everynow and then I've gotten something that sticks to my ribs. It's just healthier for all artists not to, until it's properly presented. 1.) A negative opinion sort of needs to be held off on for awhile until the body of work it out 2.) It'll never be the reaction I'd like to hear so let's save us the ackwardness 3.) It's a direct reflection of me and my brain at that moment, so I'll take it personally no matter what- this isn't commercial art, and I don't have to disconnect myself from it, in fact if I do, it ceases to be mine. 4.) I have to fight with my own demons everyday that whisper in my ear that I'm crazy bad and that there's no point in me trying to create- including a comment by someone who once said "You have to be really good to make it"- well Basquiat good and Thomas Kincaid good are very different- I'm not trying to depict your face to make it look like your face, we've got cameras to do that, hyper realism is for the birds I've decided, and the photographers. I can do the traditional art making, and even when paid to do it, I drag my feet because it is absolutely boring to me. But humans love it- they love looking at something and marveling at how the artist rendered something that looks soooooo real... well that thing is real, and that artist in fact is skilled, but that brain just stopped seeing a bowl of fruit, and instead exacccctly what was there- mastering color and line. Perfection... I'm not interested in that. My brain could go there, but I don't want it to. It gives me a headache.
So when I do go it feels like I've tamed the devil, I've had a therapy session, the "Delusional" life I lead is perfectly okay, and that I'm accepted... by me. I'm shaping my vortex to include millions of dollars, because I can't help the poor if I'm poor too, a beautiful long lasting relationship with someone who won't leave because I'm neurotic, big trees, cabin, music, food, fun kids, flowers, lots of learning, maybe even a car! All you really do need is love. And lots and lots of laughter.
You should have everything you want... you deserve joy, love, happiness, peace. Gratitude.
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